Random Ramblings of an Incoherent Mind
by RandomPenName
Summary: Leonardo makes a choice that he feels is best for his family. You decide if he lives or dies. Both options now complete. ANST ABOUNDS H.C
1. Chapter 1

Title: Random Rambleing from an Incoherent Mind

A/N ….don't kill me

Disclaimers: I own nothing.

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To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,

In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,

Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,

From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

-- W. S. Gilbert

I remember still learning that tongue twister, we couldn't have been older than 9 when out master instructed us in it. Only now nearly 20 years later it's so much more than some silly riddle he had us learn for focus and breathing.

You see that pestilential prison is my home, and sensation of a short sharp shock…is about to happen. The life long lock has been broken and I am free. I spent twenty nine years of my life protecting them: Covering for Mikey's over confidence, Dons reluctance and Raph's stupidity, 29 years of it.

What was my reward for the thousands of hits took from them, or received from them? Distance, Arrogance and indifference

. For all my love and loyalty to them all I was to my brothers was…a joke.

Fearless Leader, Mr. Intensity, and a thousand other names.

If I saved Raphael from himself in one fight or another, was there ever a thank you? Certainly not. Wading here and writing this I can still taste the blood in my mouth from where the hilt of his sai hit my beak. Why wouldn't I have just stayed out of it? That was what he shouted after the 'I hate you' that followed I stoped listening.

Maybe they have too because I don't think there is any point to my being here any longer. They don't n e e d me anymore and they certainly don't want me here. I know this is selfish and my writings are harsh but aren't I allowed alteast this? To rant in the journal I've had, the only place my thoughts are ever voiced.

The journal who knows I ache with every insult Raph throws my way.

The journal who knows how much I wish Donny would come from his lab and just say 'leo, want to go watch t.v?'

The journal would kill for Mikeys demeanor, to seem like none of this hurts – though I know it hurts him as much as it does me.

I don't taste the blood in my mouth anymore, its almost metallic tasting, odd. A part of me is regretting my choice, I love them. I truly do and I don't want to leave them. I promised to protect them, to do what was right for them. So here I am, in the pool, leaning on the edge to write while the water bubbles around my plastron.

I hope they realize I'm doing this for them. They don't want me here, they don't need me anymore. I'm the cause of so much strife here, so I am taking a cowards stance for my brothers sake.

Funny, the water is almost pink…

I am sorry guys; I hope you don't regret my choice…because it was your choice.

Raph's words had tied the knot tonight. The last thing he said…

"Fuck off fearless leader; we don't need you watchin' our backs. We ain't kids no more. Go take a long walk off a short pier."

Well it's not a pier…Sorry to disappoint.

I love you guys. I'll be gone by the time you read this, its getting so hard to focus. Even though you don't want me around, I will miss you... and I won't go far…even if you don't see me.

A Big Brothers right.

I love you.

Big Brother.

Leonardo.

Goodbye.


	2. The Discovery

-1Disclaimer: TMNT and all characters there in do not belong to me. I make no money from my stories they are simply a fans way of expression the love of the TMNT world.

-The Death of Leonardo-

Opening 

Laughter echoed off the sewer walls foretelling the arrival of Donnie and Mikey. After the typical fight between Raph and Leo it was actually Master Splinters suggestion to go for ice-cream. Leo had asked to stay and after Mikey's pestering he asked them to bring a banana split back for him. Raph was long gone after the fight so, no ice cream for him.

Mikey wore a milkshake mustache and his eyes were jovial. Master Splinter really knew how to help the mood. These fights between Raph and Leo were getting more violent and more frequent. It had begun to affect the others in their family. Donnie reached over and stole the cherry from Mickey's milkshake starting a game of you can't catch me.

He hated to admit it but not having Raph or Leo around had made the outing a bit more fun.

They approached the sewer run off that indicated it was time to turn right. Down the pathway they had walked down a fair stretch of their lives. A few hidden buttons and the door opened. Mikey had begun to walk in but was knocked back sharply by his masters staff.

Splinter's fur stood on end and his stance was defensive. Now focusing Mikey smelt it as well and drew his chucks.

He smelled blood.

Donnie had his bow staff in hand, clinical eyes searching the lair. Nothing seemed out of place, if anything it seemed as if it was cleaned up.

He heard a squishy thump to his right and turned to look at Mikey. Even as the Ice cream pooled around his feet, Mikey remained frozen.

Donnie and Master Splinter followed his gaze.

No.

Leo was floating in the water, face down. A butterfly sword rested by the waters edge, near an open journal…and the water was red….

"LEO!"

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Now…Its your turn. I am posting two follow up chapters to this opening. In one chapter Leo survives, in the other….not so much.

I leave his fate in your able hands, please post reviews and let me know which fate you chose and why. I'm curious.


	3. The Death of Leonardo Part One

-1Disclaimer: TMNT and all characters there in do not belong to me. I make no money from my stories they are simply a fans way of expression the love of the TMNT world.

-The Death of Leonardo-

Master Splinter was the first to break from the trance as he rushed to the waters edge. Donnie was less than a heart beat behind him. Donnie surpassed his master and was the first into the water, diving into the cold waters with out a second of hesitation.

Mikey remained frozen by the door, his milkshake forgotten at his feet and Leo's banana split in his hand.

Donnie's arms looped around Leo's plastron drawing him back against his chest as he struggled back to the edge. Master splinter took hold of Leo and began to draw him from the water. His sons face was a blue/teal tint, a far cry from the typical shade of green.

Donnie crawled out of the water and drug Leo so he laid flat on the concrete floor. Donnie's fingers touched under his jaw and on his neck for a plus.

Nothing.

Donnie's hands trembled he felt his Master's eye on him silently pleading for him to fix this. His eyes searched over the frame of his older brother, looking for some attack that must have occurred. The last thing he had expected to see were the thin red lines on his wrists that to his horror, we're not bleeding. None the less he took off his mask ripping it before handing it to his master.

"Wrap his wrists."

Donnie was trembling. He laid his head on his chest hoping for any sound. Nothing. He tilted his chin back so that the air way was open. He would close off the others nose before lowering his lips to cover his mouth.

One Breath.

Two Breaths.

He struggled to fight his own lightheadedness to keep his breaths steady. Next came compressions. He heard a crack and whimpered, he had broken a rib.

Logically, he didn't care if he broke all of them if his brother would just breath. In that moment, he was terrified, to having hurt him worse. He must have been sitting there staring at Leo because he felt his master's hand on his wet arm.

"My Son, please, you must continue."

He had to look at his master, to verify what he heard in that voice. Tears of pain were rolling down Master Splinter's face. Donnie nodded and struggled to regain his focus and once more

One breath.

Two breath.

Compressions.

One breath

Two breath

Compressions.

He had no idea how long he continued, his arms and back burned in strain. Somewhere around the 750th compression, his arms gave out and he collapsed on top of Leo.

Later he would be told, he continued CPR for nearly twenty five minutes before his Sensei's hand on his shell was even noticed.

Now broken and sobbing Donnie lay atop Leo, utterly exhausted. A fist he hardly had the strength to lift striking his brothers un moving chest in anger.

"Leo, Damnit, don't leave us."

Said the broken Donnie before succumbing to whimpers.

Master Splinter would bring a trembling hand over Leo's blank eyes to draw them closed for a final time. His fingers still kneading the flesh of Donnie's shoulder in silent comfort.

"What? You can't stop now!"

Mikey finally moved from the door, wild eyed, and heart broken.

"You can't stop he's not breathing!"

Donnie never moved from where he lay over Leo, closing his eyes trying to block away his brothers panic, his brothers rage at his failure.

Master splinter moved slowly, his age showing horribly.

"Michelangelo. My son."

He reached for his son, only to be pushed away as Mikey walked over to Leo. Mikey would nudge his brother with his foot, as if beckoning him to wake up.

"Ok Leo, your real funny. Ha-ha, time to get up now"

His sentence became more broken with every word so that the "now" was only a murmur.

He felt his masters hands come around him, he didn't push him away this time. Instead he knelt and buried his face in his Master's robes. Master Splinter would softly brush the top of Mikey's head, as he had when nightmares had troubled him in his youth.

No words were offered, what could be said.

He wasn't coming back.

Things weren't alright.

Things would never be alright again.

Their leader, their brother, their Leo…was dead.

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Thank you so much for reading!

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews so far!


	4. The Death of Leonardo Part Two

-1Disclaimer: TMNT and all characters there in do not belong to me. I make no money from my stories they are simply a fans way of expression the love of the TMNT world.

Chapter Two

The Death of Leonardo 

Leo's body was laying on his bed, covered as if they were afraid he would catch cold. Mikey and Master Splinter had to carry him up the stairs as Donnie lacked the strength. The room felt empty. This whole place felt empty. Things that were normal around their home, now caused sudden tears.

Leo's unfinished breakfast on the table, that had been discarded after the fight. His twin Katana resting perfectly on the rack. Even a completely melted banana Split that no one had the courage to throw away.

Donnie sat on the couch, his eyes dazed as he re read Leo's last entry for the twentieth time.

All the typical thoughts, the what ifs, that come in such moments raced through his mind.

Each as pointless as the next.

Splinter had read it, before lighting a candle in the den and kneeling in front of it. It had been burning for 6 hours and Splinter had yet to move.

Mikey broke down when he read it, sending it across the room in a rage before collapsing on the couch to cry.

For now, Donnie continued to read, trying to make sense of the choice Leo had seemingly made for all of them.

He didn't even ask.

He vaguely wondered when his big brother…hell his only big brother now, would be home.

Mikey was laying down on the same couch that Donnie was currently sitting on. Covered in a tattered blue blanket. Donnie recognized it the moment he had seen it, and in different times he may of teased him. Not to day.

The blanket had been their blanket. All four had shared it when they were still to young to sleep alone.

No he wouldn't tease him. Instead, when Mikey laid down he took the blanket and covered them both before resuming reading.


	5. The Death of Leonardo Part Three

-1Death of Leonardo

Chapter 3 

The clock in the hall chimed four am when his computer beeped softly. A person had opened the main door, which meant Raph was home. He felt Mikey shift beside him at the alarm, slowly sitting up to watch the door. He looked so defeated, he couldn't handle Raph right now. Neither could Donnie, so both sat there watching the door and waiting.

Master splinter opened his eyes the same time as the door opened.

Raph seemed surprised to see everyone awake, one look at each face and he had to ask.

"Wow, Who Died?"

Donnie winced and looked away, bad choice of words. Mikey however was off the couch and in Raphs face before any had a chance to realize what he was doing

"You just had to fucking push him didn't you? You just couldn't get your head out of your ass and leave fucking well enough alone!"

Mikey was hardly the most apt to cuss, let along pick a fight with Raph. None the less he shoved him back with each accusation , which left Raph to startled to do little more then step back.

"Mikey, whats the deal man."

"You fucking killed him!"

Raph's eyes widened raising his hand to block a fist, he looked over Mikey's shoulder to his father and brother for some explanation as to his brothers behavior.

"I haven't killed any body, Mikey, geeze calm down"

"Why didn't you just stab him in his sleep, least he would of died in his own fucking bed!"

Mikey gestured up stairs on the "his bed". Raph's eyes followed his hand, then back to Mikey.

His eyes counted, Mikey, Donnie, Master Splinter…

His eyes widened and he captured the next to strikes in his hands. Holding Mikey at bay with his fists holding his brothers.

"Leo. Where's Leo?"

The tone was scared. No other emotion, other than pure concern.

"I told you, " Mikey whimpered "You killed him."

Mikey's knees buckled and he found himself on the floor at his brothers feet. No tears, he had cried all he had. Leaving a hacking sob his only option.

Raph left Mikey where he lay and took off up stairs, and into Leos room.

He stood there frozen. Eyes taking in the sleeping image on the bed, knowing…but needing to know for sure.

"My Son."

Raphael heard his fathers soft tones behind him but said nothing. He walked quietly to the bed, his heart racing. …Wake up, Wake up, Wake up…seeming to repeat in his mind. At long last found himself at his brothers side. A place he had been raised to stand. His right hand in a fight, or a second in command when he needed another set of eyes to watch their younger brothers. He reached out slowly, his hand falling to Leo's.

Cold.

His hand lurched back like he had touched fire. The feel of his brother's cold skin still tingled on his calloused hand.

"M-Master Splinter….H-How"

Raphael never knew he fell, but the fact he was suddenly on his knees surprised him. Holding onto to the frame work of Leo's bed. Green eyes searching desperately for any sign of life on his brothers face.

The old rats hand fell softly on the hot heads trembling shoulder. He let the silence stand between them for several moments.

Raphael turned to look at the rat, while his hand fell atop his brothers chest, where the blanket kept the cold from his fingers.

"Your brother took his own life this morning."

Of all the things he had expected: A foot attack, Bishop, a stumble down stairs…anything was more expected than this.

It didn't make sense.

Why?

How?

Hundreds of more questions flooded his mind.

He gestured desperately to his father unable to translate the wave of emotions into words.

The sensei touched his son's face and kissed his brow, before handing him Leo's journal.

"We did what we could to save him, but your brother had made his choice. Do not hate him for this….Do not hate yourself for what you will read. Know he loved you, and written down or not, he knew you loved him. Love his memory, and find peace in your own, my son. I will be down stairs with your brothers when you have finished."

Raphael could only nod at his masters words before Splinter exited the room and shut the door.

Drawing his knees up to his chest he opened the journal…

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Thanks so much for reading and thank you all for reviewing my fic!


	6. The Death of Leonardo Final Look

-1

Death of Leonardo 

Final

Some four hours later the door to Leo's room would be opened. Downstairs had heard shouts, screams, and sobs, only now in the late hours of the morning had silence fallen. Splinter opened the door to survey the damage, the room was trashed, but Leo had not been touched.

At first he did not see Raphael and fear gripped him. However steady breathing from the bed caused his brown eyes to turn that way.

Laying on his side next to Leonardo, his hand on the others chest, was Raphael. His face was tear stained but quiet in slumber. The journal lay in shreds on the floor. It would seem that what ever need to be said, had been said. He hated that it had to come to this.

He reached down and pulled up the blanket around both his boys. A kiss to each . Cold, and warm, even tempered and hot tempered, alive and dead.

His boys.

What ever was said between them in death and slumber he could only hope would bring some peace to both tormented souls.

He reached to blow out the candle by the bed, but it went out before lowered the dampener.

He smiled.

In the paper pile that had been the journal a single portion remained intact:

_I will miss you... and I won't go far…even if you don't see me._

_A Big Brothers right._

_I love you._

_Big Brother._

_Leonardo._

_Goodbye._

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Done.

Any good? Sorry it took so long to write it. I hope you enjoyed it. I have thought about putting an option of Leo surviving the attempt would anyone be interested in reading that, and the reader choosing his fate? Let me know via reviews.

Thanks for reading.

RandomPenName


	7. The Life of Leonardo Part One

-1**Ok everyone. You win! After much requests and pleas I have decided to tweak my little fic and give the reader the option to choose his fate. If you are reading this option than you are choosing to give our Leo a second chance at life. Thanks to all those who plead for his life, and those who liked my fic enough to write and ask me. **

**As Always I don't own TMNT, and I make no funds from this piece of fiction.**

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**The life of**

**Leonardo**

**Part i**

Master Splinter was the first to break from the trance as he rushed to the waters edge.

Donnie was less than a heart beat behind him. Donnie surpassed his master and was the first into the water. Diving into the cold waters with out a second of hesitation.

Mikey remained frozen by the door, his milkshake forgotten at his feet and Leo's banana split in his hand.

Donnie's arms looped around Leo's plastron drawing him back against his chest as he struggled back to the edge. Master splinter took hold of Leo and began to draw him from the water. His sons face was a blue/teal tint, a far cry from the typical shade of green.

Donnie crawled out of the water and drug Leo so he laid flat on the concrete floor. Donnie's fingers touched under his jaw and on his neck for a plus.

Nothing.

Donnie's hands trembled he felt his Master's eye on him silently pleading for him to fix this. His eyes searched over the frame of his older brother, looking for some attack that must have occurred. The last thing he had expected to see were the thin red lines on his wrists that to his horror, we're not bleeding.

None the less he took off his mask ripping it before handing it to his master.

"Wrap his wrists."

Donnie was trembling. He laid his head on his chest hoping for any sound.

Nothing.

He tilted his chin back so that the air way was open. He would close off the others nose before lowering his lips to cover his mouth.

One Breath.

Two Breaths.

He struggled to fight his own lightheadedness to keep his breaths steady.

Next came compressions.

He heard a crack and whimpered, he had broken a rib. Logically, he didn't care if he broke all of them if his brother would just breath. In that moment, he was terrified, to having hurt him worse. He must have been sitting there staring at Leo because he felt his master's hand on his wet arm.

"My Son, please, you must continue."

He had to look at his master, to verify what he heard in that voice. Tears of pain were rolling down Master Splinter's face. Donnie nodded and struggled to regain his focus and once more

One breath.

Two breath.

Compressions.

One breath

Two breath

Compressions.

Donnie had practiced this, just in case.

He had found a CPR dummy in the dumpster behind the fire station and kept it, just in case. But in all the 'just in cases' he had prepared for: combat, a fall in the sewer, tunnel collapse…he would never have thought of suicide.

Never in his practice on the dummy had it been so exhausting, his whole body was shaking. Some how, after each compression, as his body plead for him to stop, he managed to dredge up enough will power to continue.

He wanted to tell his brother or father to continue, but he could not. He simply couldn't walk away from this, so cursing his brothers name he continued.

One breath.

Two Breath.

Compression.

Donnie was about to lower himself down to begin the breaths again when he felt something. Little licks of something he felt certain the exhaustion had caused, he froze.

Waiting.

Pleading.

Crying.

When had he started crying?

There it was again.

His eyes widened and he slowly moved back, a trembling hand searching for the pulse he knew it wouldn't find.

Nothing…

No, wait.

There it was, very weak, but growing stronger by the second.

Pulse meant a heartbeat…

He brought his head back down by Leo's mouth again. There it was, he was certain of it this time. Little licks of air caressing his cheek A soft sound of intake and exhale that could have been Hail to the Chief it rang so loudly in his ears.

Pulse plus breath…meant life.

Leo was alive.

Leo.

Was.

Alive.

It hit him like the world on Atlas' shoulders, and he collapsed to his hip. He had been kneeling since this started and suddenly sitting upright seemed -way- to difficult.

Donnie's eyes shot up to the clock trying to figure out how long it had been. They had no way of knowing how long he hadn't been breathing before they arrived. Four to five minutes? No, surely not….but thank god it was.

It had felt like an eternity.

Oh, Someone was speaking.

Donnie's eye's suddenly recalled how to focus and found Master Splinter speaking to Leo.

Master Splinter had his hand on his son's forehead as he spoke to him, the body was there, but the spirit had no intention of returning. He knew this, and tried to coax him back in a tongue that made no sense to anyone in the room.

Anyone expect, perhaps, Leo.

Leo.

Leo was alive.

Meanwhile Donnie was aware someone was pulling him to his feet. It was a good thing too as he wasn't sure he could stand by himself.

It was Mikey.

He had finally moved from the door where he had stood frozen, paralyzed with fear. Now he clung to Donnie like a child, long removed from any they had known, getting a first glimpse of the familiar.

He was babbling, Donnie didn't understand all of it, but the portions he did caused him to smile. Exhausted or otherwise Donnie managed to comfort his brother resting his head on his shoulder as he rambled.

After a while the tearful ramblings of his youngest brother, and the gentle coaxing tone of his father faded into a steady hum and Donnie could almost swear he could hear Leo's heart beating.

Donnie Smiled.

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See I didn't end with a cliff hanger - aren't I nice?

No Worries, I'm not done.

I plan on writing more, Leo isn't out of the woods yet and they haven't noticed the journal, and where is Raph?

The answer to all these questions and more to be answered in the stunning next chapter of:

**Random Ramblings of an incoherent mind.**


	8. The life of Leonardo Part Two

-1Thank you so much to all who have read and reviewed my fan fiction. I am sorry it took a week or so to get more on this story, but my computer is DOA and I have to go to my mothers to use hers.

The following of this story has really made my feel great, thanks so much to everyone.

Standard Disclaimer: Don't own them, nor do I make money from these stories.

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**The life of**

**Leonardo**

**Part II**

Mikey and Master Splinter had moved the still unconscious Leo to the bed in his and Donnie's room. Donnie had to have help himself to climb the stairs to their room. Mikey had been incredibly helpful in playing "gopher". Being of some use to the situation seemed to help the youngest of their family. Leo's brothers were genetically close enough to his own DNA and blood type that Donnie was able to use Mikey's blood in a transfusion to help Leo get back some of what he had lost.

For now, the room was silent.

Master Splinter sat on the edge of Leo's bed. He was still talking in what could have been Japanese but the cadence was different then any that the boys had heard before. His hand running soothing circles of Leo's bandaged chest from the broken rib he had received during Donnie's frantic efforts to save his life.

Donnie was seated in a chair at the desk his posture screamed exhaustion but he refused to allow those tired eyes that watched his brother to close. He couldn't sleep. Mikey was happy. Leo was alive. Donnie was too, but he knew more then Mikey. He knew that it was not just alive or dead, not anymore. He had no way of knowing what the blood loss, or lack of oxygen would do to Leo. Hell, They didn't even know how long his heart had stopped beating before they arrived.

He knew Leo breathed on his own, and his heart had steadied its self into a semi normal rhythm. What he did not know is how much of Leo remained behind the coma that he found himself in. Donnie's eyes shifted to the door, Mikey had gone down stairs almost an hour ago. He had only left to get some tea for Master Splinter, it should not have taken so long.

…………………………...

Downstairs

…………………………...

Mikey had gone into the kitchen to start the water boiling. He had placed Leo's melted sundae in the freezer.

"He'll eat it when he wakes up." He assured himself in a soft mutter.

He had not looked at the water since they had taken Leo up stairs, and no one had touched the butterfly sword that rested on the edge of the pool.

It was still so surreal.

Leo wouldn't have done that, it had to be the foot.

His big brother was the most stable one in their whole 5 person group of oddness.

Leo would never have chosen death.

Nope.

Not Leo.

The silence was getting way to loud and his own doubts were using the silence as a chance to scream in his mind. So he moved across the den to turn on the TV.

Softly of course, he didn't want to disturb Leo.

Only halfway paying attention to where he was walking it came as no surprise when he tripped slightly over something.

He looked down.

A book?

Stooping down he meant to gather it and place it with Donnie's on the shelf. Only a closer inspection showed there were handwriting on the pages.

Leo's Handwriting.

Not a book, a journal.

Leo's journal.

Since when did Leo have a journal.

He flipped back to the beginning the first page was dated almost two years ago…

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Sorry for this one to be so short, I'm starting to work on the next chapter as soon as I post this. The next chapter will be a bit long because it will be several entries and Mikes responses. I do hope you have enjoyed the story so far.

Thanks so much for all those who have taken the time to read these fan fiction.

Gopher - it's a nick name "Go for this" "go for that" it means someone who does a lot of running to help others out.


	9. The Life of Leonardo Part Three JOURNAL

This chapter examines the content of the journal more carefully. The messages in italics and a different font (though I doubt the font with transfer when I post in on are excerpts of the journal while the standard text is Mikeys reaction to what he reads.

Standard disclaimer: Don't Own them, wish I did. If I did I'd lock them up in my closet and hold them for a HUGE ransom….as that is rather unlikely understand this is a non profit piece of fiction where a fan simply writes in a fiction she adores.

Enjoy.

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_Entry one : 2 years ago_

_Today was a good day, we actually all seemed to click in practice. Raphael and I sparred while Donnie and Mikey were paired up. Sensei kept things interesting though, we each drew straws and used the others weapons. I had Donnie's Bow staff, Raph had Mikey's chucks, Mikey had my swords and Donnie took the sais. _

_It was really fun. We were laughing. Things were meshing like they used to. _

_Even Raph and I got along._

_Afterward we all watched a movie together. It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt it._

_Today, we were a family._

_Leonardo._

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Mikey stood there reading over the first passage, a soft smile on his beak. Family. He could vaguely remember the point in time his brother wrote about. It had been a lot of fun. He had missed that himself.

He slowly sat down on the stone floor as he flipped forward a few pages.

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_Entry ten: 1 year 10 months ago_

_Donnie is still in his lab. He has been in there for hours, ever since he found some 'cool' fungus on one of the pipes near the lake. I brought him some supper though I wager if I were to check it would still be sitting beside him, where I sat it. Untouched._

_Donnie is so very smart, you'd think he'd remember eating is important. Oh well, that's what I here for huh? _

_I'll go in there in a hour or so and pester him until he eats at least one sandwich. I know it gets on his nerves but sometimes the guy just forgets to look after himself._

_Leonardo_

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey smiled. Yeah, Donnie did have a habit of getting into his brainic binges. He had never really put to much thought into it. If he ever went to bug him he always had some food near by. Guess, he never thought that anyone other than Donnie would have put it there.

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_Entry twenty four 1 year 4 months ago_

_Well, its nearly three am. I still have no idea where he ran off to this time. I went out looking but unfortunately training with a guy you whole life kinda makes you loose your edge. The fact that he knows most of my tricks makes it harder to find him too._

_I swear some guys just can't take a loss. I was just a sparring match, his head wasn't in the game and mine was. That's all it should have been. _

_But with Raph that's never all it is. _

_What happened to the days when we'd spar, kick each other's shells. Bow, shake hands and go watch TV together._

_When did everything have to get so personal?_

_I love the guy, he's my brother, so what's he got against me?_

_This has been growing for years, I keep waiting for it to get better._

_I've tried talking, I've tried being distant._

_I've tried fighting, hell I've tried throwing fights so he wins._

_Does it help_

_No._

_Hang on I hear the door. He's not moving right, either drunk or hurt._

_Why do I even try?_

_Will write later._

_Leonardo_

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey cringed. Yikes. Leo was not so happy in that one. He tried to think back on to what occasion that might have been. Unfortunately with Raph, coming in drunk or hurt wasn't that uncommon.

He glanced toward the door, it was pushing 1 am, and still no Raph. He had been really pissed when he had left. Mikey couldn't help but feel sorry for what ever unlucky fool tried to take on Raph tonight.

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_Entry Thirty one 1 year ago_

_Well, Mikey's finally asleep. I promised him I'd stay until he finally crashed, but I don't think it would hurt to stay a little longer._

_Things around the lair are getting worse, and even Mikey's feeling it now. I had been down stairs doing my Kattas when I heard him yell. I was the first one to the room, with Donnie and Master Splinter not far behind. _

_No Raph, which certainly is not helping my opinion of him at the moment. _

_Anyway, Mikey was still asleep when I came into the room. He was fighting with what ever demon was in his dream. By the look on his face, the demon was winning. _

_I tried to wake him up, we all did. _

_It was like he didn't hear us. _

_When I finally got him to wake up it cost me my hearing in my right ear for a few minutes. I know we joke about Mikey but he's a strong guy._

_With a hell of a left hook._

_He wouldn't tell us what he was dreaming about, and even when we pestered him he made up some story about the justice league. _

_He never was a very good lair._

_Donnie seemed to buy it, though I think he just wanted to work in his lab some more._

_Splinter accepted it, if only for Mikey's sake._

_Not me._

_After everyone had filed out of his room I just sat down on the edge of the bed._

_I never asked him to talk, never really expected it. He just laid there for about ten minutes until it all came out in that sort of frantic babble he makes. Like he's so scared I'm going to leave before he finishes his story. _

_I was expecting a lot of things, the shredder, rats …. They still freak him out after his run in with the rat king, even Raph. I know he'd never say anything but nearly being killed by his big brother had never really shaken loose of him._

_Nor of me. _

_What I heard though… I get shivers writing it down now._

_He's so scared he's going to loose us. _

_I told him he was being foolish, he would never loose us, we were all right here._

_He called me a lair. _

_Before I could get offended he explained it to me….and he had a good point._

_Donnie's in his lab._

_Raph is god knows where._

_Splinter is meditating._

…_.I'm practicing._

"_We live in the same place and I've already lost you all." _

_I can't shake how broken he sounded when he said that. Or how right he was. _

_It's nothing I haven't thought, hell nothing I haven't written._

_I thought it was just me though. _

_That seems so selfish when I see it written down._

_Even though I sat there with him and talked to him, assuring him we wouldn't leave him…that we were a family….I can feel the truth in his fears….and the lies in my reassurances._

_We are falling apart._

_Leonardo_

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey scrubbed his face with his hands, that was something he had no trouble remembering. What he doubted anyone else knew what just how often he had that dream. Almost nightly for years…

His own voice feeble in the silence of the den, Mikey spoke.

"Leo if you knew that I needed you this badly, why would you leave us!"

He scrubbed his face again trying to wipe away the moisture that had collected under his mask.

How? If Leo knew how badly being alone scared him….how could he have gone from the great protector to…

A deserter.

He flipped more head in the book reading only excerpts from each page. Desperate, needing to know why.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Fifty Two 11 months ago_

_Spinter spoke to me today. He told me what I already knew… that I was failing in my task as the leader of our group. _

_Raph was pulling off in his own independence. Why did that surpise Master splinter? _

_He is 28 years old, he has never wanted to be led so why is it MY fault when he stays out more and more?_

_Donnie is forever in that damn lab, apparently this is my fault too. Does he not see me in there every few hours talking to the wall named Donnetello. _

_Does Master splinter think I'm just in there twiddling my thumbs. I talked to him for a solid hour yesterday and got an amazing 16 words in return. Most of which came in his final sentence._

"_Hey Leo, No offence, but I really need to get this done…So if you don't mind…."_

_Fuck off. _

_Oh yeah, That was just the translation._

_Even Mikey is more withdrawn, watching TV reading his comics. He's taken to given Raph a wide berth and I don't know why._

_That scares the hell out of me. _

_Some how this is all my fault. Sensei didn't come right out and say I was a skrew up but doesn't he think I see every look at my brothers and then the look to me to "fix this." _

_Why is it all on me? He's our father, if he'd stop meditating on everything maybe he'd step up and help me out a little._

_-Leo._

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey's jaw dropped.

He flipped further ahead.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Sixty 9 months ago_

_Mark it on the calendar, Raph actually had a civil conversation with me. I managed to get everyone together to try and set up something for Master Splinters Birthday._

_It was twelve minutes. _

_I watched the clock, twelve minutes before Donnie went to the lab, Raph went out and Mikey went to his room. _

_God….Why does twelve minutes seem like an amazing accomplishment?_

_Leonardo_

_-------------------------------------------_

"…Tweleve minutes…"

Mikey whispered softly. Even Leo's hand writing is becoming more sloppy.

Like he's shaking.

Some how the image of steel eyed Leo shaking is incredibly unnerving.

He flipped again.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Seventy One 4 months ago_

_Happy twenty Ninth Birthday, Leo._

…..Its fucking sad when the only birthday wish you get is from your self.

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey froze…No, surely he hadn't.

….

Yes he had.

How had he forgotten Leo's Birthday? He remembered Leo getting him a few comics, Donnie some thick book, and Raph a new punching bag…

"I'm sorry Leo"

He whispered to the still air.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Eighty Two 2 months ago_

My arm still hurts.

Getting between Raph and his targets is getting old quick.

A solid hit to my arm and not even an apology. I should have been flattered that Donnie took the time out of the lab to wrap the sai induced wound.

Though with my luck it was probably only because I used his good gause to do it myself the last nine times.

What is happening to this family?

_-------------------------------------------_

When had Raph hurt Leo?

Why didn't he know?

Mikey's hands were shaking so badly he had to struggle to turn the pages.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Ninety four 1 week ago_

I can't do this any more.

I can't breathe.

I quit.

_-------------------------------------------_

"Leo.." Mikey's hands trembled as he turned to the final few pages. A cold chill creeping up his spine as he noted the red freinge on the lower half of each page.

Leo's Blood.

His brothers blood.

His brother.

He scrubbed at the mositure, as liqud pain now flowed freely down his face.

Why hadn't he known….

He could have done something.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Ninety five 4 days ago_

_They don't care…._

_Why Should I?_

_-------------------------------------------_

"Leo….." Mikey's voice was little more then a whimper.

"I care…" He pleaded with the book as he petted the red stained pages, long since dried.

He turned to the final page, a silent "…no…" as his tear blurred eyes scaned down the page.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Entry Ninety six Today_

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,

In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,

Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,

From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

-- W. S. Gilbert

I remember still learning that tongue twister, we couldn't have been older than 9 when out master instructed us in it. Only now nearly 20 years later it's so much more than some silly riddle he had us learn for focus and breathing.

You see that pestilential prison is my home, and sensation of a short sharp shock…is about to happen. The life long lock has been broken and I am free. I spent twenty nine years of my life protecting them: Covering for Mikey's over confidence, Dons reluctance and Raph's stupidity, 29 years of it.

What was my reward for the thousands of hits took from them, or received from them? Distance, Arrogance and indifference.

For all my love and loyalty to them all I was to my brothers was…a joke.

Fearless Leader, Mr. Intensity, and a thousand other names.

If I saved Raphael from himself in one fight or another, was there ever a thank you? Certainly not. Wading here and writing this I can still taste the blood in my mouth from where the hilt of his sai hit my beak.

Why wouldn't I have just stayed out of it? That was what he shouted at me.

After the "I hate you" that followed, I stopped listening.

Maybe they have too because I don't think there is any point to my being here any longer.

They don't n e e d me anymore and they certainly don't want me here.

I know this is selfish and my writings are harsh but aren't I allowed at least this? To rant in the journal I've had, the only place my thoughts are ever voiced.

The journal who knows I ache with every insult Raph throws my way.

The journal who knows how much I wish Donny would come from his lab and just say 'Leo, want to go watch TV?'

The journal would kill for Mikeys demeanor, to seem like none of this hurts – though I know it hurts him as much as it does me.

I don't taste the blood in my mouth anymore, its almost metallic tasting, odd. A part of me is regretting my choice, I love them. I truly do and I don't want to leave them. I promised to protect them, to do what was right for them.

So here I am, in the pool, leaning on the edge to write while the water bubbles around my plastron.

I hope they realize I'm doing this for them. They don't want me here, they don't need me anymore. I'm the cause of so much strife here, so I am taking a cowards stance for my brothers sake.

Funny, the water is almost pink…

I am sorry guys; I hope you don't regret my choice…because it was your choice.

Raph's words had tied the knot tonight. The last thing he said…

"Fuck off fearless leader; we don't need you watchin' our backs. We ain't kids no more. Go take a long walk off a short pier."

Well it's not a pier…Sorry to disappoint.

I love you guys. I'll be gone by the time you read this, its getting so hard to focus. Even though you don't want me around, I will miss you... and I won't go far…even if you don't see me.

A Big Brothers right.

I love you.

Big Brother.

Leonardo.

Goodbye.

_-------------------------------------------_

Mikey closed the journal ignoring the resounding thud that echoed from the walls. Cradling it against his chest and rocking to himself. Tears fell un soliced down his face, his mask long since soaked. He couldn't understand.

Yet, it was so clear.

His big brother.

The turtle he truly looked up to, had wanted to die.

He thought he was a failure.

Didn't he see? Couldn't he see? Leo was the only one barely keeping the family together.

He was going to leave.

He was TRYING TO DIE!

A sudden anger swelled inside the broken trutle and the threw the journal has hard as he could in no certain direction.

A loud bang and the clangs to followed indicated it had gone rather solidly into the weapons rack.

He didn't care.

His arms were wrapped around his knees as he continued to cry. Seconds passed like days, the one he thought would never leave him.

The one who promised to always stay close…

Had tried to die…Because it was something HE thought MIKEY wanted him to do.

He was vaguely aware of a foot raising and settling on a weight bar in front of him. It must have rolled loose from the weapons rack. It would have hit him.

He doubted he would of felt it.

As he rocked it became rather important to know who stopped the weight bar. With this realization came the knowledge that someone was talking.

He looked up.

"Mikey, What's wrong? What's the matter." the voice was saying.

Hn. So Raph finally decided to come home.

Talk about timing.

-------------------------------------------------------

And here is were this chapter will come to an end.

What do you think?

Sorry I got a little long winded…I actually cried, hope that's a good thing?

What do you think?


	10. The Life of Leonardo Part Four

I don't own them.

Wish I did.

Thanks to everyone who has read so far.

Ch Rating. T

Fic Rating. M

Ch Summery. Raphael comes home.

As Mikey rocked it became rather important to know who stopped the weight bar. With this realization came the knowledge that someone was talking.

He looked up.

"Mikey, What's wrong? What's the matter." the voice was saying.

Hn. So Raph finally decided to come home.

Talk about timing.

For several moments Mikey still crying looked at his brother, trying to remeber how to breath normally enough to talk. Raphael looked something between worried, and dangerous for the fact he had yet to get an answer. Mikey had stopped rocking and now for a moment only tension streched between both.

"Whats wrong, Mikey?" Raph repeated a little louder, as if yelling would induce some sort of responce.

Nothing, but sobs and heartbroken look came from Mikey.

Raphael finally knelt to get on his brothers eye level, his eyes widened when of all things, Mikey flinched away from him.

He searched Mikey's eyes but they were glazed an un focused.

Raphael looked around, he didn't see anyone else. He just assumed they had gone to bed, everything seemed neat enough. Their was a melted pool of what may have been a milkshake by the door but that was it. Aside from the weapons rack being knocked over...

He reached out and let a hand slowly come to rest on Mikey's arm. More then a little concerned, and confused by his behavior. The touch seemed to wake something buried in his brother and for the first time since he had arrived Mikey actually looked at -him-.

"Raph?"

Mikey had never sounded so young to him.

"Yeah Mikey, now whats going on-"

Before Raphael could finish his sentence his brother was on him, his arms slung around his neck and holding on for dear life. The movement caulght Raph off balance and he stumbled so that he was now seated on the floor, his brother across his chest and crying all new tears.

Raphael was not the one to play comfort in the family, but he found himself doing what he could for his odviously upset little brother. The hand not supporting both their weight fell on his shell in an akward patting motion. After a few very confuseing moments Mikey began to slurr through his sobs, it took more then a little effort for Raph to understand what he was saying.

"I didn't think you were coming back. You don't want to leave us to, do you? Don't leave us. Don't leave me. I love you. Stay, please, stay." and once he stopped he only repeated his mantra again.

If Raphael hadn't been confused he certainlly was now. It wasn't uncommon for him to be out, this really wasn't even late for him. He pushed against Mikey trying to get into a more comfy postion. After a few failed attempts he managed to sit on his shins and get Mikey to do nearly the same, though, he still clung to him.

"Mikey."

Mikey's breakdown mantra of fear simply contiuned.

"Mikey."

and contiuned.

"Michaelangelo."

and contiued.

"Mikey!"

A sickening Skkt echoed around the empty room as Raphael's back hand struck Mikey's cheekbone.

Mikey tasted blood. It hurt, but the pain was his own. He clung to it, useing it to focus himself enough to remeber how to breath properly. His own hand touching the quickly forming bruise on his cheek. His eyes closed, running through his own mind. Until, he finally trusted himself to open his eyes.

Raphael.

He looked like he was hateing himself for striking him, but he looked more scared then anything. With some effort Raphael managed to keep his tone level.

"I'm sorry. You were hiberventating. Now listen to me. What is going on Mikey, what happened?"

Mikey swallowed, his cheek still cradleing his face. After a few false starts he began.

"It's about Leo..."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Thanks for reading! Great news I have a computer at work and I'm going to try and write each day.

This will give -hopefully- atleast 3 chapters a week.


	11. The Life of Leonardo Part Five

-1Mikey swallowed, his cheek still cradling his face. After a few false starts he began.

"It's about Leo..."

Raphael's eyes narrowed, this he had not expected. What about Leo? He remained where he was still kneeling in front of his baby brother waiting on him to elaborate. As the moments stretched between them and the silence continued a un healthy fear began to build in the second oldest.

"What about Leo?"

Raph's tones were careful, tentative. He wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

"He's Ok."

Mikey stated urgently, though the urgency of the ok made Raph wonder just how 'ok' he was.

"What happened? Where is he?"

"He's upstairs, in his room." Mikey started.

Before Mikey had finished his sentence Raph had stood and started for the stairs. Despite being exhausted from his break down Mikey managed a clumsy grab of his wrist.

"Wait, Raph."

"Why?"

"He's hurt, bro."

"Like I said, why should I wait?"

"Bro, when we got here he wasn't breathing."

Raphael froze, Mikey's hand no longer needed to hold him in place.

"You just said he was ok." Raphs tone raised,

"He is - well, Donnie says he should be.." Mikey offered, though in all truth Donnie had told their youngest brother he -hoped- Leo would be alright. That's just fine, Mikey would remember it how he wanted too.

Raphael watched him carefully, Mikey was probably the worst lair in their little group and it showed in the lines of fear etched across his brothers face.

"What happened to him?" Raph nearly growled, the tone made it clear he was already out for blood. The skirmishes that came from being family were natural. To be expected. But it was an unlucky bastard who came between him and his family.

"I…" Suddenly Mikey forgot how to talk.

Finding no answers with his younger brother and his patience gone Raph jerked his wrist free of his brother and started for the steps.

"Raph wait." Mikey was struggling to get up but his legs were still jelly and standing was proving difficult.

Raph wasn't listening, if someone had hurt his brother they would pay. Plain and simple. He was nearly half way up the stairs when one of the few things that could stop the hot head, stood in his path. A sixty pound weapon of mass destruction. Master Splinter.

His hand was raised in a halting signal to Raphael, who wonders of wonders…obeyed. He stopped two steps below where his father stood, leaving them nearly eye to eye.

"Calm yourself my son. Your brother is stable, but you need to understand this delicate situation before entering his room."

Leo's body was alive, breathing and going through the motions on its own. However, Splinter sensed in him a great fear of returning. He knew now just how carefully they had to tread, how attentively they had to take care only kindness and words of love would reach his son's ears.

"I'm trying to Masta Splinter, but Mikey can't seem to put to words together. What happened?"

There was a long pause and Raphael was both startled and scared when his father reached out and took his hand. That had happened only twice and both times he was sitting by Leo when his big brother was fighting for his life. Raph swallowed, letting his own hand close over his fathers. Behind him he could almost feel his brother hovering, glancing behind him he would notice a book in his hand. Leo's journal? He was one of maybe two who knew his brother wrote in a journal, only because he had been asked to get it by Leo when he was laid up.

"Raphael, Your brothers and I came home this afternoon and found Leonardo in the pool." He raised his hand to silence any questions from Raphael before continuing. "Your brother had stopped breathing, and his heart had stopped beating. With much effort Donatello was able to induce his breathing and heart once more. He is very weak, and has not yet wakened."

Raphael could feel his heart beating through his chest that steady mixture of anger and fear bubbling up inside him. He was ready to kill who ever had done this.

"Just tell me, Masta Splinter. Who?"

Mikey gulped audibly behind him and Splinter bowed his head. Raph tried again.

"Who?"

"Himself." Came the final word from splinter.

"Your brother, took a blade to his wrist. He meant to end his life."

Raphael actually faulted. The rage, and fear inside him seeping away into nothing. It felt as though someone had taken a cold bucket of water and poured it on him, in January.

He took a step back and into Mikey.

"I-" Raph's words failed him, looking between the oldest and youngest member of the family.

"Why?" He managed.

"That we do not know." Splinter told him, the soft squeeze of his hand to remind Raph he still held it.

"Actually." Mikey spoke softly holding up the book. "We do."

He handed splinter the book. Splinter offered it to Raph.

"Later" Was all Raph said before walking up the stairs and to Leo's room.

It didn't even feel like Leo's room. Normally everything was perfectly arranged with one candle on the floor. Now stuff had been pushed up against the wall and knocked this way and that to make it easier to get Leo and what ever machines Donnie needed into the room. Donnie was sitting slumped at the chair at the desk, his head down on his hand, snoring softly.

Raph swallowed, lingering in the doorway. His eyes moved to where they had been scared to look.

Leo.

He didn't look horrid, he certainly didn't appear to have been dead hours piror. A little pale…but nothing else.

He approached slowly, vaguely aware of the conversation he could hear on the steps. Something about a journal.

He was surprised how badly he was shaking. He didn't shake. He started to touch his brother, to rest his hand on his shoulder and talk to him. After all, who was around to see such a sign? But something kept him from it. His eyes scanned over Leo. He had an IV in his arm and was covered with a blanket. His arms lay atop the blanket…bound.

Bound.

On each wrist were clean wait bandages.

Raph closed his eyes.

Why?

Behind him Donnie jumped in his sleep and effectively knocked over his water. Well, Donnie was awake. Raph with drew his hand that had been hovering over Leo, and did what he could to force an typical appearance.

"Why Don't you crash Don, I'll take this watch."

His tone was strained, like he was struggling to keep some emotion in. Hate, Fear, Aggression…guilt…who knows?

Donnie started to wave him off and argue but the glare he got from Raph caused any further comments to die in his throat.

"Maybe just a nap, call me if anything changes."

Raph gave a curt nod.

Once Don had left the room, only leaving the door slightly a jar he turned back to Leo.

Just him and Leo.

His brain was still doing loops. Trying to make sense of it all.

The morning had been typical. He had slept in because it had been a late night. By the time he actually got up, Leo had called him at least 10 times. Nothing unusual. He came down to late for breakfast but Leo didn't make them wait on him like normal, instead he was told he missed meal time…come practice. Course that made him mad and so I skipped the first 20 minutes of practice just to eat. Eating slowly on principle. He wouldn't let Raph spar with Don or Mikey, because he knew just how pissed Raph was. Training had been more fighting then sparing. Leo and Raph being…Leo and Raph.

Nothing terribly dramatic.

Oh.

Raph winced his eyes still on the white gauze so stark a contrast to Leo's skin.

Now he remembered.

Leo had won, and Raph had his normal usual graceful defeat. A blind side attack to which Leo moved and Raph went head first into the weapons rack. He had blamed Leo, maybe yelled…but he hadn't meant to say what he had said.

'take a long walk off a short bridge.'

Raph visibly cringed.

So this was his doing.

'We don't need you'

Damn Raph why can't you keep your mouth shut?

'I hate you'

No, I don't.

Raph slowly lowered his hand to touch Leo's. His hand felt cool but not cold. The touch seemed to almost send a jolt through him, when Mikey had told him what had happened, he thought for sure Leo was gone. He squeezed his hand softly, and received no response.

Well, Master splinter said he was still unconscious.

"Damnit Leo, why do you have to suddenly start listening to what I say?"

He searched Leo's face, it was still as always. What had he expected?

"Look, Splinter said not to say nothing bad and I'm not, now. But when your out of this we are going to hash this out. I don't know why ya did what ya did bro. I hope its not cause of what I said…ya got to know I was just blowing off steam. We spent our lives together I know you know me at least that well. But leave the hot head out of this ratio, Donnie's falling over tired but to worried about you to sleep. Mikey just spent the last 15 minutes crying on my chest. Me - Leo. That's your territory bro. I'm not so good on the sap stuff. Even Splinter is scared. Ya got to come out of this bro, give them a chance to rest. "

Raph raised his hands to scrub his face and looked at his finger tips in disbelief…his mask was wet. When had he started crying?

"Bro. Come on bro, you're the last one that we can do with out."

He slowly lowered himself down on the side of Leo's bed. His hand still over Leo's. He glanced toward the door, before scooting a little closer and taking Leo's hand with both hands .

"Leo. Please. I-I only got one big brother" A long pause before in a even quieter whisper. "and I need him around to keep me outta trouble. Come on bro, come back to us. Please….we love you"

Had it been any other day he wouldn't be caught dead saying he liked his brother, let alone that he needed him, or he loved him. His brother and he had always competed on every arena, and sometimes things got personal. However, right now in that moment, sitting beside him. Waiting for him to wake up and fuss at him for coming in so late, the prospect of suddenly being the oldest was terrifying. The thought of never having a conversation or sparing match with his big brother…never having a big brother. It was a prospect he couldn't live with out.

He paid no heed to the fact his mask was affixed to his face by liquid pain, he didn't care. He gave his brothers hand a final squeeze.

"…I love you.."

Raph watched Leo's face he could never remember saying thoes words to him, and apart of him felt ashamed for it. But in the dim light of his big brothers room something startled him.

Raph's eyes continued to search his face for a reaction, when he felt his hand squeezed in reply. It was soft but it was there.

Raph smiled.

"Atta boy, Leo."

The hand squeezed again.

--v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-

Don't worry this isn't the end.

I'm going to contiune through the journal.

Leo's recovery and more so no worries.

I just thought I'd been mean with the cliffies so heres one that isn't!

Thanks for reading.

Oh, and if you like this fic, you might be interested in BIG BROTHER,

It looks at the situation raph finds himself in now, with the possibly of looseing

Leo.


	12. Life of Leonardo Part six

-1The Life of Leonard  
Part VI

Raph refused to let anyone come to watch Leo that night or early morning. Leaving the remaining three to gather in the den following what ever sleep that they had managed to obtain.

Mikey refused to touch the journal after giving it to Master Splinter. Mikey was always a better cook when he was upset or guilty. This breakfast was no different: Eggs, bacon, toast and bagels.

Not that anyone had much of an appetite but Donnie and Splinter made an effort to clean their plated if only for Mikey's sake.

Splinter had begun meditating after breakfast and checking on Leo.

Donnie sat down on the sofa and opened the journal…

Leaving Mikey to be the one to brace the fierce Raph and supply him with food.

The door remained slightly ajar as per Master Splinter's direction. The room looked pretty much the same as it had when he had left it the night before to get Master Splinter some tea before finding the journal.

The candle had fizzled into nothing but a misshapened pool of wax leaving the room dark save what ever light stretched in from the hallway.

Mikey dared his first look at the bed. Leo still slept, his eyes closed and wrist still bound in that stark white gauze. At first Mikey didn't see the 2nd oldest. He walked in further to investigate and his toe bumped into the bell in a ball toy he had gotten Klunk.

So much for stealth.

The bed creaked softly and his eyes jumped to Leo. No such luck, he was as still as ever.

"Take a picture, It'll last longer" Came Raph's gruff tones, making his presence known.

He was sitting on the far side of Leo's bed, his shell against the head board. By the thick sound of his tones it was likely he had nodded off.

"Breakfast?" Mikey offered holding up the tray like a peace offering.

Raph raised an eyebrow and was about to state he was not hungry but his stomach growled in protest.

"Yeah, Yeah. Alright, fork it over."

Raph took the tray and stayed where he was sitting as he began to eat. Leaving Mikey to nervously flit around the bed trying to look everywhere else but at his eldest brother. After a few awkward moments he asked Raph.

"How's he doing?"

"He'll be alright"

Though Raph wasn't sure one way or the other, he did what the secret weapon did best. Protected his family in what ever sense was needed.

Mikey opted to sit down beside the bed on the floor.

"You need to read that journal, its some pretty gnarly stuff."

Raph shook his head.

"No thanks."

"Master Splinter wants us to read it."

"Then Later."

Mikey knew the tone to back off and just nodded.

They sat in silence for a long time, both thinking the same thing. Why did it take this to get them to share the same space?

The door opened all the way and all eyes turned toward the door.

Donnie looked like he was ready to hit something as he hovered in the doorway.

"Good, Glad your awake."

Both Mikey and Raph looked to each other and then to Leo.

Who's eyes were open, but not wholly focusing on his purpled banded brother in the door.

"Got a question for you" Donnie was saying.

"What the fuck is this!?"

Before anyone could shake the shock of hearing Donnine cuss or the elation that Leo was awake Donnie had drew back his arm. Sending the leather bound journal at Leo as hard as he could.

Tears slid down Donnie's face. As he turned on his heel to leave before the book had barely left his fingers.

Only Raph's arm coming out to block Leo's face from the attack kept the journal from hitting the leader of their group.

"Donnie!" Mikey shouted and took off after his older brother.

Raph turned back to Leo, only to see him meet his eyes before those eyes rolled back in his head and she fell back into unconsciousness.

"Oh no Leo, Don't you do this to me.." Raph muttered shaking his shoulder probably harder than he should have.

"Leo…"

END

TBC

Thanks for all those who have reviewed!


	13. The Life of Leonardo Part Seven

-1Mikey raced after Donnie more confused then ever. The journal was harsh but if anything it made Mikey want to give Leo a hug. Not throw something at him when he was too weak to defend himself.

Donnie took a sharp turn into his lab trying to escape the green and orange blur that was hot on his heels. It might have worked but for once Mikey was thinking ahead and had jumped the stairs. He managed to catch the door mere inches before it shut and locked.

With all the gadgets Donnie kept in his lab Mikey did not want to know the kinds of security he had on that door.

For five seconds it was hard to tell what would happen as each brother pushed against their respective sides of the door. Finally Mikey's foot found the T.V. shelf and he was able to obtain enough leverage to add his weight to the door.

Thump. Down went Donnie.

Bang. Into his lab table

Crash. Went countless doodads and machines

Slam. Went the door as Mikey entered the lab and slammed it shut behind him.

Mikey hovered there for a moment his eyes on his purple banded brother lying amid his machines.

Mikey moved over and offered Donnie his hand. Donnie only slapped it away and struggled out of the pile on his own. Mikey moved back to the door but did not leave. He simply remained there, his arms crossed in his very best 'I'm waiting' pose.

Silence

Mikey frowned, then fidgeted. Why did the Silver Sentry make the intimidation pose look so cool? It was always effective when he did it.

Ok, So he's no superhero - lets try the direct approach.

"Donnie what was that about?"

Don ignored him.

"Don, you are -supposed- to be the smart one. You know what you did is the -last- thing he needs right now."

Don spoke with out thinking.

"Yeah and you're the dumb one, so let me alone."

Mikey flinched and Donnie's head dropped.

"Mikey, I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

Mikey raised an eyebrow ridge before speaking.

"Then answer my question Don. What was that about?"

He sounded much more reserved, apparently Donnie's words had stung.

"That stupid journal!" Donnie confessed as he stood with his back to Mikey, leaning on the desk gripping the edge like a life line.

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Come on Mikey, You read it!"

"Yeah, I did."

"Are you saying it didn't bother you?" There was a sneer to Donnie's tone.

"Course not. It bothered the hell out of me, but bad as it was, I don't want to make matters worse. Once he is ok we can talk about it. But for right now I just want my big brothers back."

Don glanced his way before looking back at his desk.

"Yeah, Brothers. That's plural. You guys were just as gone as he was. The last thing I'm going to do is let hate and pride take away what I'm just now getting back"

Don turned and stared at Mikey like he had grown an extra head. Mikey looked confused. He glanced over his shoulder. Nope, nothing but a door. Finally he had to ask.

"What?"

Donnie turned to face him, no longer simply looking over his shoulder. Finally he spoke.

"Mikey, when did you get so grown up?"

Mikey stared at him for a moment before he simply began to laugh. Donnie looked confused and waited for him to explain. However Mikey simply stifled his laughing and opted to smile. Mikey shrugged and offered no further reply.

Don moved so he was sitting on the desk he had previous been leaning on. Mikey waited and after a moment Don spoke.

"It just hurts."

Mikey nodded, but waited on Don to elaborate.

"Its like I just found out that Darwin, Einstein and Neuton are all drunks who don't know the first thing about science or human nature.

Mikey looked at him blankly.

"Like you just found out the Silver Sentry is on the take."

Mikey's jaw dropped. "Ah. Got it."

"This is no insult to you Mikey but Leo is just this awesome guy to me. You all are but he's… he's the kind of turtle I wish I could be. He gets scared but he never shows it. He's been saving his family since he was four. He's one of the best tactians I've ever known. It's like he is the best in all of us Mikey. My brain, Raph's strength, Splinters mystical stuff and your heart.

Mikey nodded quietly walking over and scooting up on the desk beside his brother.

"Yeah, I get that Don."

"And suddenly this incredible soul who I have looked up to my entire life…suddenly seems like jus t a normal person trying to survive just like the rest of us."

"He's not the type to fail" Mikey offered.

"And he didn't. Except in his eyes."

"That's a lie and you know it Don"

Donnie looked shocked. Who was this guy and what he had done with his laughing naive little brother. Sitting next to him every bit of 28 years old Don couldn't help but wonder how or why he hadn't seen it before. Mikey was still talking.

"He failed, you failed, Raph failed, Splinter failed, I did…we all did."

"Mikey.."

"I mean is it really that hard to see where he got the idea we didn't need him?"

"I- well.."

"No, its not. Everything he wrote in that damn book was true."

Don was silent as Mikey continued.

"He probably thought he was doing us a favor. Hell he said it was 'our choice'"

"But, it isn't"

"No. But did any of us every try?"

"…no"

"No it took him trying-" Mikey took a steeling breath before continuing. "Trying to kill himself to remind us that we still needed each other"

Don looked up stunned.

"God Mieky…you don't think …that's why?"

"I don't know what to think anymore." Sounding much younger once more and far less sure of himself.

"I know that Leo thinks he has to protect us. I know he would die for us. It wouldn't be hard to roll those together into a cardiac cocktail…" Donnie spoke more to himself.

"Don't over think it Don. Not this. I think…he was scared and alone. If we want him back …we need to help him with both"

"Mikey."

He looked up and met Donnies eyes for the first time since he had sat down next to him. Thin lines of worry were etched across his face. Silent tears had fallen un noticed. Donnie understood now just how fine a line Mikey walked. Sitting beside him now he couldn't help but wonder just how much of Mikey's act was a jovial mask to hide the pain he had clearly carried un noticed for a long time.

Don patted Mikey's knee.

"Come on."

Mikey looked baffled. "Where to?"

"To talk to Leo"

Don was already out the door and into the den when he noticed Mikey lingering in the doorway of his lab. He turned back and joined his brother at the door.

"What is it?" Don asked puzzled.

"Don't you want to pick up your lab?" Mikey asked him reluctantly.

Don stepped past him and into the lab. Behind him Mikey slumped slightly watching his brother survey the mess.

"Nope." Don said, after a look around.

"Huh?" Mikey asked intelligently.

"It'll keep" Don said before turning off the light and shutting the door while Mikey watched him wide eyed. Don secured the door and put his arm around Mikey's shoulders directing them the stairs.

"Family first, little brother." Don said softly.

For the first time in months or longer, Mikey felt himself smile…a real smile.

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SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG! THREE CHAPTERS FOR THREE FICS IN ONE DAY WOOT GO ME!

Sorry it took so long, been sick. Thanks to all who reviewed!


	14. The Life of Leonardo Part Eight

-1A/N Thanks for everyone who has been reading! I'm dragging my heels I have a case of -dun.dun.dun- Writers block so bear with me as a muscle thru this. I guess I need to call my hit man again, he worked well enough on my last writers block. At any rate thanks for all the reviews!

Ch. Rating: T for one not so nice word

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Wish I did

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"If your coming to help - Don't."

These were the first words to greet Donnie as he and Mikey reentered the somber bedroom. Raph was sitting on the bed by Leo clumsy rewrapping the bandages around his wrist. While they had been down stairs Leo had remained unconscious moving only once to jump in his sleep, a movement which had torn the bandage loose on his right wrist.

Donnie flinched back at his brother's tones, his eyes dropping to the floor almost at once. Mikey grabbed him by the wrist and led him into the room. Younger or not, he was not letting his other brother run for his lab.

Regardless of how badly he wanted to.

"Raph, I didn't mean to make things worse"

Donnie's tones pitched a little higher then normal, he blamed the guilt. His eyes moved to look over the unconscious body of Leo, searching his brothers unmasked, and un opened eyes. Pleading silently, that his brother would open them again.

"Well ya sure as shit didn't make things better."

Raph, eloquent as always.

"Have you read that journal?" Donnie demanded a sudden strength flaring behind his previously meager tones. He moved to stand at the side of the bed, leaving the slumbering Leo between the pair like a buffer.

"No, I ain't-" Raph began but was cut off by his brother.

"Then you have no right judging me. So until you do, shut it."

Raph honestly faltered, that was more of a …well him response, then what he would have expected from quiet, reserved Donnie. The hesitation was a silent statement, the bout had passed for now. Donnie began to unwrap his brothers now poorly dressed wound.

"What are you doing?" Mikey moved into the conversation as he moved to stand at the foot of his bed.

"Rewrapping it, it needs to keep pressure on it. Just incase it starts to bleed again." Donnie explained, his tones were quiet and his eyes were busy once more.

Raph absently readjusted the blanket over Leo. It was beyond him to normally tend to any member of his family, least of all Leo. Right now … he didn't give a shit. His mind kept a steady replay of walking in and seeing Mikey on the floor. Of hearing him fumble through an explanation, the race of his own heart as his mind raced to worst possible conclusions. In that horrifying moment, every little fight was lost…and he had a taste of the feeling coming from the loss of a brother.

Mikey fidgeted at the foot of the bed for several minutes as the silence stretched between them. He was never very good at staying still for to long, so he moved to Leo's desk. He was aware his brothers were watching him probably watching him to the same reason he was currently digging through his brothers desk.

A distraction.

It was completely Leo, everything was perfectly aligned.

"Leave it to Leo to feng shui his desk drawers.." Mikey muttered.

A soft chuckle escaped Donnie and a weary smirk fell on Raph's taunt features.

Mikey looked up and smiled, relaxing a few strained muscles knowing his family was relaxing if only for a second. Boosted by this he added.

"I'm half scared to move anything."

"…That…is…the…I-Idea."

All parties jumped. Mikey slammed his fingers in the desk drawer he shut it so quickly. Raph nearly fell off the bed and Donnie dropped the gauze his eyes locked on Leo, the forgotten gauze rolling absently across the floor.

"Leo?"

Mikey showed his age in a fearful first step.

Leo swallowed dryly and before he could attempt to ask for water a straw was teasing his slightly gaping mouth. He opened his mouth to accept the straw. A weak suckle and the cool water bathed over his cotton like mouth. He stopped at three swallows only because Donnie pulled it away. Muttering something about to much to soon.

His eyes were refocusing slowly and looked around the room. Raph met his eyes evenly and went so far as to let a discrete hand fall to his brothers shoulder. Mikey was one huge grin despite the fact he cradled his previously smashed fingers.

"Mornin' , your ice cream is in the freezer." Mikey's grin seemed to take on a tangible form in his words.

Leo smiled softly, before searching out Donnie. He was still by his side but his head was hung in shame.

"Don." Leo's head was still pounding and weakness clung to him like smoke to a smoker.

"Leo, I'm sorry. I shouldn't of -"

"You saved me."

Don stopped mid word, his eyes darting to meet Leo's hazy ones. Only managing a gaping mouth nod in reply, though he wasn't sure if that was even a question.

Leo smiled, his eyes stating the thank you he was too tired to voice. Don returned a similar smile before watching his brother fall back into slumber.

"Don!" Mikey was alarmed almost at once.

"He's fine, Mikey. He's just sleeping. I think we are past the danger zone."

-this time-

Don didn't voice the secondary concern that echoed in his mind. He had gotten home in time, THIS time…but what if he tried again. Leo was past the crisis. Now Donnie needed to get everyone focused on the next concern: Helping Leo.

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TBC

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews!


	15. Life of Lenardo Final Chapter

-1What do you know - I live! Sorry its been so crazy all, this summer semester has thoroughly whooped my butt. None the less, you can thank all the reviews and alerts and a pesky sister who have encouraged me to write again. I'm so glad for it all. I have truly missed it. Thank you so much

--

The next few days passed smoothly, or rather as smoothly as things could given the situation. Leo did a lot of sleeping though he got an update when ever he woke up about who had been there as he slept. He was given a card by Casey with a beautiful woman on it that played Cherry Pie by Warrant. It had been the cause of laugher when ever it was opened.

Good ol' Casey.

Raph had become a constant figure in the room unless he was forced out by Splinter, who to his credit had only succeeded in pushing him out of the room twice in the last 6 days since Leo had awoken.

Mikey had helped Don clean up his lab and the two of them had even shared a rather smooth conversation. Some how they had managed to link Comics to Cosmic, regardless on if the other had heard the difference. It was still a pleasant moment.

Leo had upgraded to soup and tea from water and…mush.

It was a grand improvement.

Currently, Leo was sipping his soup as Raph walked into the otherwise empty room. Held in his right hand was the already passed around journal, still latched.

Leo swallowed the soup harder then needed….here it comes.

Raph didn't yell, he didn't scream, no sais were thrown his way (always a good thing). Instead Raph simply laid the book down on the bed beside Leo and met his eyes.

There was a thunder storm of emotions behind the darkened eyes of his younger brother and for a long moment Leo was scared to venture another bite, let alone speak.

Raph walked back to the door and shut it softly, with a turn of a knob and a soft -click- the lock fell into place.

His brother was being far to calm and Leo seriously debated on calling for their Sensi.

Raph moved to Leo's desk and spun the chair so the back of it was facing Leo. Sitting down on the backward seat he now faced Leo.

Silence.

Leo took a deep breath, utterly unsure.

Of all the things he expected from the hothead in front of him what he heard next nearly caused him to drop the spoon still cradled between his fingers.

"Why?" Was all Raph said.

Clink. The spoon fell from his fingers to the bowl in his lap.

"Leo. Why?" Raph repeated, his tone level.

"You read it?" Leo ventured speaking for the first time.

Raph gave a curt nod in affirmation.

"Then you know." Leo offered hoping that would appease his brother.

Raph's eyes narrowed.

Apparently that did not appease his brother.

"No. I know what you wrote in that journal, what I want to know is why you think doing what you do would solve everything." Raph looked briefly toward the door as someone tested the door knob.

"I locked it, I'll unlock it when your welcome." Raph's tone raised a fraction.

Wonder of wonders, it worked. The shadow on the other side of the door moved away. Either to leave or to tell Master Splinter was unknown, but for the time he left.

The brief distraction had given Leo time to think of a response and when his brothers eyes fell on him he began.

"Every time I turned around I did something. I kept pushing for us to stay together, train together…and it was just pushing people away. No matter what I tried things go worse, so if I just stopped trying…"

His voice faded off into thought. The fact his brother continued to wait made it clear he wanted to hear it all.

"Only, I couldn't. I couldn't just stop trying. It goes against everything that is natural to me. So I figured the only way I could keep out of your business was to stop, period. "

Raph started to speak but Leo continued his eyes focused on the soup in his lap.

"It just got so hard, trying to keep the peace. So tense all the time. Stepping between fights and taking the blame from Splinter, or you, or them. I-"

He looked up to his brother for the first time.

"Raph, I am so…_tired."_

Raph's dark eyes met his evenly despite the fact his mask was tinged crimson under his eyes thanks to the water that had gathered at the brim.

"So rest Leo. Take a vacation. None of us would keep you from it. But don't you see you were the only thing keep this family together. If you didn't make sure Don ate, do you think he would have ever come out of the lab? Or if you didn't program the remote for the extra cartoons do you think Mikey would ever be out from his room? If you didn't …pull me out of fights do you think I'd still be alive today?"

He paused briefly to let Leo absorb his words.

"And that isn't fair. Its not right for you to be havin' all that on your shoulders. We shoulda helped, that's what we've been talkin' about. We are sorry Leo…Hell, I'm sorry Leo."

Leo was left to stare in stunned silence, who was this and what had happened to the hot head. Then he realized…he had happened. His attempt.

Heh, maybe it had worked after all.

This wasn't how he had planned on it going but the outcome looked as though it may be the same.

Raph stood and placed a hand on Leo's forearm before going and unlocking the bedroom door. The door opened almost at once and Leo saw his family on the other side. Mikey looking sheepish for eavesdropping, Donnie was already making up excuses for why he was there and Splinter just met his eyes and smiled.

As they gathered around his bed he understood that smile, and the reason behind it.

After everything was said and done Leonardo Splinterson was their leader and even now, he held their family together.

THE END

Thanks to all those who stayed with me as I wrote this fic. I really hope those who asked for a life version of the story were happy with the ending. Thank you so much - RandomPenName


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